After a week of being cooped up in a house I finally took my mom on an afternoon outing to meet her best friend Aunt Linda for lunch yesterday. Linda is the type of person who will literally say anything to anyone at anytime. Whatever funny thing she is thinking just flies out of her mouth quicker than you have time to process what she has said. This usually leaves me blushing, or as I experienced today, laughing so hard I have to remove myself from the situation.

Cut to the scene when we are standing in Sears shopping for a new vacuum for my mom. (This is a much needed purchase considering her current model weighs what seems to be 100 pounds and you break a sweat just staring at it as it sits ominously in the closet.) The sales clerk that approaches has about as much personality as a soggy piece of bread. Aunt Linda immediately sniffs out his lack of enthusiasm and goes into high gear questioning the guy on the features of the entire vacuum line. It is obvious Linda is going to sell my mom the dream vac while milquetoast follows-up Linda’s questions like a retired hype-man.

Listening to someone talk about “sucking power” and “extension rods” is enough to make an immature person (myself) laugh, but there is some certain finesse to which Linda delivers these phrases that makes me feel especially giggly. Perhaps it is her slight Southern lilt that adds a hint of mischievousness.  Sales clerk then decides to elevate his presentation by demonstrating how quiet the machine is and plugs it into a wall. The three of us stand there staring at the very expensive (I will not say how expensive in case my father ever reads this) machine as he attempts to turn the machine on. Nothing. “Wow, that is really quiet!” Linda says.  I look at the flustered clerk and walk away so I will not make him even more deflated over the ridiculous laughter that is going to erupt from my chest at any second.

Eventually I return after a stroll down the homegoods section and see that Aunt Linda has indeed sold mom on the top of the line floorcare investment piece. At this point Linda starts asking the clerk if he knows if the machine will go on sale or if he is willing to throw in some kind of discount.  “Well, I’m part Jewish so I had to ask!” is what I hear coming from Linda’s mouth as soon as I get close enough to clearly hear what she saying. I shake my head and walk over to Linda and point out that she is not Jewish. ” I am too part Jewish, my great Grandfather was a Hasidic Jew!” she replied emphatically. I got nothin’.

After things are paid we walk over toward another part of the floorcare section and then hear the sound of a whirring vacuum as the three of us walk around the corner and peek. Sales Clerk is on the floor holding the canister and the extension rod as he says “I realized the lid wasn’t snapped on tightly enough. See it works!” Under her breath I hear Linda say “Well thank God he knows his products so well.”