At the moment I am reveling in the explosion of summer produce that started with berry season in June and continues with rotating fresh fruit and vegetables until about October.

Last weekend I was back at the little hobby farm owned by Julie’s uncle. After a birthday dinner of grilled steak and potato salad we headed out to the chicken coop to collect eggs. Admittedly this was my first experience collecting eggs from a nest. I ADORE experiences like this because it is something so simple, but something that I will remember forever.  As we dropped the feed and vegetable scraps into the dished her uncle told us the story of the crazy hen that chooses to live under the hen house instead of out with the rest of the chicks in the yard area. He also taught the kids about the meaning of “pecking order” after one of them asked about the missing feathers on one of the birds.

At the end of the evening Julie and I each were sent home with a dozen of the prettiest and freshest light brown eggs. Truly farm fresh.

On Monday I was sent home with red and yellow tomatoes grown by our department chair’s husband.  I tasted one of the smaller yellow heirloom tomatoes by itself and they have to be some of the most amazing tomatoes, ever!  I truly understand now why tomatoes are really considered to be a fruit. That night my 15 minute dinner consisted of eggs scrambled with a little cream, salt and pepper, a chopped tomato salad with basalmic, olive oil, fresh basil and a sprinkling of cheese, and an english muffin with strawberry jelly.

To me this is what gourmet means. Fresh food grown to perfection and completely un-fucked with. Cheers to fresh.

Drink Absinthe

Visit Philly

Become an owner of a real designer bag

See a metal show where flames are involved

The only think disappointing about the Iron Maiden show tonight was that there were no flames present except for those coming off of Bic’s blazing across the crowd.  I went with friends, but I kept wishing my dad were there with us. I think he would have gotten a kick out of it – especially after his recent revelation proclaiming “I do like metal” after reading Rob Walsar’s study “Blah blah testosterone” This was the same book my dad ganked from me and read in two days resulting in him walking around the kitchen talking about “power chords” and feminism.

Nontheless Bruce and Co. tore it up and the people watching  – um, phenomenal. If you are ever in doubt on what to wear to a metal show, just go with the camo pants and black t-shirt or, …… you can just dress like a stripper.  So, after a proper introduction into this new and foreign realm of metal I only have one thought….. I want to see FLAMES!

So my favorites….

Bonte Wafflerie -
I had the sugary coated thick dough waffle with pecans and blueberries mixed in.  Wow – delicious and something I have never quite tasted before. I read further on these yeasty waffles from Belgium, and might even attempt to cook them myself sometime. So good.

ISHKABIBBLE’S
Cheestake. Fun Name. Cheeze Wiz Yum. That’s all.

Tattooed Mom
Love this bar. The bartender looked like a vampire in True Blood and he made us the regional specialty of a pickle back with a shot of liquor. Pickles make everything better. After taking a break from eating we promptly returned for more debauchery at this place.

Sarcone’s Deli at the Italian Market
I took a bite of the hoagie and fell in love but Scotty got seriously upset when he thought the second half of his sandwitch was ganked. It was that good.

The World’s Largest General Store
A random stop of the way home that was full of softserve and photo opportunities. Oh my.

IMG_3029 by keli shiny-penny

IMG_2986 by keli shiny-penny

IMG_2962 by keli shiny-penny

IMG_2951 by keli shiny-penny

DSCF3309 by keli shiny-penny

After a week of being cooped up in a house I finally took my mom on an afternoon outing to meet her best friend Aunt Linda for lunch yesterday. Linda is the type of person who will literally say anything to anyone at anytime. Whatever funny thing she is thinking just flies out of her mouth quicker than you have time to process what she has said. This usually leaves me blushing, or as I experienced today, laughing so hard I have to remove myself from the situation.

Cut to the scene when we are standing in Sears shopping for a new vacuum for my mom. (This is a much needed purchase considering her current model weighs what seems to be 100 pounds and you break a sweat just staring at it as it sits ominously in the closet.) The sales clerk that approaches has about as much personality as a soggy piece of bread. Aunt Linda immediately sniffs out his lack of enthusiasm and goes into high gear questioning the guy on the features of the entire vacuum line. It is obvious Linda is going to sell my mom the dream vac while milquetoast follows-up Linda’s questions like a retired hype-man.

Listening to someone talk about “sucking power” and “extension rods” is enough to make an immature person (myself) laugh, but there is some certain finesse to which Linda delivers these phrases that makes me feel especially giggly. Perhaps it is her slight Southern lilt that adds a hint of mischievousness.  Sales clerk then decides to elevate his presentation by demonstrating how quiet the machine is and plugs it into a wall. The three of us stand there staring at the very expensive (I will not say how expensive in case my father ever reads this) machine as he attempts to turn the machine on. Nothing. “Wow, that is really quiet!” Linda says.  I look at the flustered clerk and walk away so I will not make him even more deflated over the ridiculous laughter that is going to erupt from my chest at any second.

Eventually I return after a stroll down the homegoods section and see that Aunt Linda has indeed sold mom on the top of the line floorcare investment piece. At this point Linda starts asking the clerk if he knows if the machine will go on sale or if he is willing to throw in some kind of discount.  “Well, I’m part Jewish so I had to ask!” is what I hear coming from Linda’s mouth as soon as I get close enough to clearly hear what she saying. I shake my head and walk over to Linda and point out that she is not Jewish. ” I am too part Jewish, my great Grandfather was a Hasidic Jew!” she replied emphatically. I got nothin’.

After things are paid we walk over toward another part of the floorcare section and then hear the sound of a whirring vacuum as the three of us walk around the corner and peek. Sales Clerk is on the floor holding the canister and the extension rod as he says “I realized the lid wasn’t snapped on tightly enough. See it works!” Under her breath I hear Linda say “Well thank God he knows his products so well.”

Carry on my bearded son.

Go with the flow, man.

These past three months have been anything short of insane and the only common denominator I can find is the element of surprise. Not a single thing that has occurred has been the result of some well devised plan, rather it has been a mix of happy accidents, strange occurrences or all out mind effs.

After finishing up directing my first show I vowed to take a break from theatre only to get a surprise email from a long lost friend who suggested I audition for a stellar available role in a show that one missing one key player. I took the bait and made what some people are referring to as “my stellar return.” I didn’t know I really had left,  but I guess the bitch is back. Well, at least for a limited engagement as my schedule allows.

Before I agreed to do the show I decided to move and rather unexpectedly found a great place owned by a friend located in the Gordon Square Arts district. So I started to mentally prepare to move, I gave notice to my current landlord,  put down a deposit,  and naturally, that’s when all hell breaks loose.  In the middle of performances my mom calls with the news she has to have open heart surgery for a rare heart condition.  Fuck, this is a rude awakening.

I work for the most understanding manager ever who shoos me away to be with my family before I barely have time to throw my MacBook, dog and laundry into my Saturn. The very SUV that had to have a sudden wheel baring replacement the day before I was able to leave. This was in between rushing to get my new license and registration because surprise,  my license would expire the day after I arrived in Virginia. I  take a decent license picture despite only getting about three hours of sleep the night before.  The lack of sleep is cause by a rather unexpected makeout session the night before. Yaaaaahhhh, that’s another story in itself and I will just say Bruce Lee him self appeared to me in a vision telling me to “go with the flow.”

Mom is peacefully recovering, I’ve been able to pound out some decent design work and I then take a  look at what I planned while life was swirling around me and I GASP to see in the next four week I have scheduled an INSANE amount of concerts, sporting events, festivals, appointments, packing, moving  unpacking and I even threw in a trip to Philly over the Forth of July for good measure. OH MY GOD.

I’m glad I have another week of relative calm before I am thrown into the next storm. I also realize that this is the pace of my life, but I just don’t usually have three weeks to pause and catch my breath. I wouldn’t have it any other way but I do need to really consider getting a midget to be my personal assistant. I mean Chelsea Handler has a Latin midget named Chuy. I want a small German midget named Klaus. My own midget assistant – that’s how I will know I have truly arrived.

“Don’t get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”  – Bruce Lee

Nonetheless, this trip has been made possible by the fact my summer will consist of mostly graphic design work and writing in preparation for the upcoming school year. Work projects that need to be done alone, and God knows, projects that are done better when you don’t have a soundtrack of baroque trumpet music wafting down a hallway in an empty 100 year old building.  Isn’t the Ohio Renaissance Faire hiring?

So, the last time I spent this length of time here was about five years ago when I was considering moving to D.C. before I realized I didn’t want to spend most of my waking hours stuck in my car in traffic. Anyone who does not understand the concept of road rage should just take a little jaunt around the D.C. innerbelt at 5pm on a Wednesday evening. You will be searching for the nearest bridge with scalable walls within 45 minutes.  Needless to say, I was back in Cleveland 4 months after that little experiment.

I decided to embrace this time as a relaxing spa-like experience free from late nights, temptation and unmentionable bad things that are no-doubt hacking away at my life expectancy rate. However, after an emotional day I broke down and bought a 6 pack of beer last night and scoured the freezer case at the Fredericksburg market for pierogies.  (Just in case you are wondering -  no, you cannot find pierogies in Fredericksburg, Virginia, not even the shitty freezer kind.)  I wasn’t really hungry, I just sought some kind of comfort in knowing that the pierogies were there. This is when I realized after years of transient living, Cleveland finally emerged as the true victor in the place that I call home. I may carry a slight vocal lilt of someone living south of the Mason Dixon, but my heart burns like a river for the land of Cleve.

My list of 33 Things to do and see before my 34th Birthday

1. Plant a small garden and watch it grow
2. Eat my first chilli-dog, choco taco and taste of caviar.
3. Add on to my tattoo
4. Complete 100 hours of volunteer work/community service
5. Meet someone on the street and become friends with them
6. Gamble for the first time
7. Write 52 love letters
8. Write (and finish) a book
9. Host 12 Parties (including a HELVETICA party)
10. Visit New York, Chicago, Washington DC, Philadelphia and Vegas
11. Learn how to bake the perfect croissant
12. Drink Absinthe
13. Read the Nag Hammadi Texts
14. Take a psychology class
15. Watch at least 20 classic/stellar movies I SHOULD have seen already
16. See Phoenix live
17. Go to a hookah bar
18. Host Christmas for my family and friends
19. Paint a scenic landscape
20. Ride in a gondola
21. Say “I love you” first to someone
22. Take one interesting photo everyday
23. Learn how to screenprint
24. Go on a spontaneous weekend trip at the VERY last minute
25. Compile all of our family photos into a digital archive
16. Make wine or beer
27. Spend at least one full night at home once a week
28. Wear my favorite dress again
29. Anonymously pay for a stranger’s groceries
30. See a metal show where fire is involved
31. Become an owner of a real designer bag
32. Send a message in a bottle
33. Visit one new place every week

Must learn ninja origami Japanese t-shirt folding technique!

I may or may not have already had a whole bottle of wine.

Wish I were eating chorizo slathered cornbread right now. Eff.

I may or may not have had 5 beers….or 6….or 8.

It took me 5 minutes to crawl through the window and break into your house. So not kidding.

Report about a break-in on Madison – perpetrator was groped by the owner of the apartment! Crazy news day….Channel 19 is all over that shit.

I went to fix a late night bowl of cheerios and didn’t realize until I took a bite hat it was catfood covered in milk. Meow.

Be like water.

Nudes shit on his bed.

..Although it is 9 months away, so maybe, just maybe, I will be properly introduced to his penis by then…

I can be demanding in a pseudo-fictional relationship, right?

Eat the fucking fish bitch!

The #19 bus goes to Fargo.

B- is standing outside of my building talking to uber-femme dude that lives in my building. I’m trapped!!! GAH! I wish I had some meth to toss out the window to distract him..

I don’t have time for his jealousy. I ‘m too busy being like water.

No pussy in the wagon unless it is ours!

the drive-by “here’s your candles bitch” candle toss out the car door window delivery sounded much more fun…

yeah, my latest dream was about sneaking into your house to shower and use your new “special” face scrub. Got nothin.

Call me when you’re done watching your mom fawn over Michael Flatley’s oiled chest.

1. Rehearsing for this show
2. Been spending my free time trying to learn all the lyrics to 36 Chambers from Wu Tang Clan
3. Starbucks addiction has become out of control inducing ADD tendencies and a lack of focus
4. Busy watching Cavs playoff games
5. A growing addiction to Cafe World on Facebook -this is Greg Fusco’s fault!!!
6. Trivia Night at The Happy Dog
7. I saw Passion Pit, Angels & Airwaves, and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (again)
8. Been running again with the dog
9. Have you SEEN “United States of Tara” yet??????
10. Bowling (I think I finally know how to AIM the ball in the right direction away from the gutter)
11. Giveaway Nights at Monsters Hockey Games – I now own a Cavs Snuggie, The Ped Egg and some bags of Quicken Loans Arena Colombian Coffee
12. Painting my nails with Urban Outfitters Grey #3 Matte nail polish
13. Hours spent trying to recreate Johnny Mango’s Chicken Fried Rice at Home
14. Saw Othello, Cloud 9, & August: Osage County
15. Work Concerts
16. Time spent contemplating writing but not actually writing
17. Cleaning the cat box
18. Working to master iPhone games including Skeeball, Scrabble and Drug Wars
19. Times spent doing things I can’t write about in a public forum

Let’s just leave it at that – obviously I need to re-prioritize a little…